dobbersp

this is a really depressing blog i've been running here

2010-08-20T00:22:00.001-07:00

it's been a really long time since i have posted here, and it's good to see that i have grown a bit since some of these posts.

i find that i have written a lot of things in tough times, out of anguish, or careful inspection of my situations. the things i wrote down are important for the process of getting through those times, and part of being human.

reflecting on such things allows you to truly appreciate the good times, however, and i am happy to be able to have such a deep thankfulness for my current situation.

God is good.

I say this phrase almost every time my car starts (and even when it doesnt). I sit back and exhale in reverie of all of the great things i have. a place to stay. an awesome job. enough money to buy food. God is very good. lately i have been able to recognize the very good things i have going for me, and it has been great to simply be alive.

overdue?

2007-08-31T00:17:00.000-07:00

well, this has become my most private blog, solely based on the fact that no one reads this one. I try to keep it unread by only posting once every five months, ha. makes people lose interest, as I do in real life. By moving slowly. anyhow. I heard Tom (BetGeorge) say something about a week ago that really made me wonder. He was talking about this idea of idealizing. The way I interpreted it was that by thinking of something, and reflecting on it in a good light always, you can make it seem better than it actually is. By thinking of that thing more often, you increase the amount that you idealize it. Now this could apply to people, places, foods, experiences, anything really. I thought more on the subject, and considered some of the things that I probably idealize. It seems it's almost a sense of delusion. how can you separate the true nature of the idealized object out from your perception of it? Is it even possible to be objective ever again? whoa. taking a step further, i considered this: if idealizing something is possible, might i also view something in a constantly negative light, and somehow de-idealize it? dedealize?? I suppose that this is also possible... and just like that perception has vanished. and the world has become relative to the minds of its beholders. perhaps this is too much philosophy for my tastes.

so i've been pushed in that direction

2007-03-06T00:04:00.000-08:00

quotes from songs:

"if i dont say this now, i will surely break"

"between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be"

i might end up trying once more.
we'll see how it goes.
d:- )

2007-01-23T23:40:00.000-08:00

just close enough to push away

2007-01-20T00:40:00.000-08:00

no, they never told him.

It wasnt the planes

2006-12-05T22:42:00.000-08:00

It was beauty that killed the beast.

2006-10-14T23:48:00.000-07:00

ohhhhhhh...... did i say that i loathe you?

Gravity and the Half-Smile

2006-09-05T02:31:00.000-07:00

There are a couple things that I have been pondering recently. An odd thing and one that puzzles me. The first I call gravity. The attraction of opposites. Not of masses, or planets, or that kind of stuff, but of people. Not that kind of attraction either. Actual attraction, or movement towards another in terms of physical space. Perhaps it is somehow tied to the other kind of attraction. I feel this gravity. It is a force that is often fought in order to maintain correct boundries. Sometimes people talk of their space bubble, or their personal space, which I believe is also tied to this gravity thing. It starts when two opposites (male and female, although the space bubble can be violated by either) are near each other, be it standing, sitting, or otherwise. Both are aware of the other, and from my experience, at least one feels the effects of gravity. Feet slowly drift (otherwise known as footsies) and torsos shift in directions. Awkward stances are often taken to avoid the effects of gravity. A lean away is perceptible by both, as is a lean in. Feet slowly creeping are also seen, or sensed, as they approach or flee. If the opposites attract (the mushy kind) then the gravity pulls them, and makes their space bubbles smaller, and if they do not attract, the space bubbles suddenly grow larger. This is one of the aspects of an earlier post I wrote about tells. Leaning, as a physical position can be a way to “read a person’s mind” in a sense, because it usually indicates which effects gravity is having on that person(either repulsion or attraction.) Now I’m not sure exactly how this whole gravity thing works, or if I’m just wiggin’ out about some sixth sense, but I feel gravity weighing on me some times. Just wondering if I am the only one.

The second is called the half-smile. I have for the majority been a half-smile-giver rather than a half-smile-receiver. This curious little contortion of the face is very puzzling. For, what does it mean? I have to be honest. In some of the cases which I made half-smiles, they were not smiles at all. They were almost signs of sorrow. Maybe they were made for a beautiful girl, whom I knew things would not work out with. Such an occasion as that surely requires a sad half-smile. Generally, I use the half-smile at disheartening moments, such as after a great loss, or when I am very tired. After losing a tough baseball game a half-smile might be merited. There are the rare occasions where the half-smile comes from thinking about a happy moment as well. Now I always know why I give half-smiles, but receiving them from others is very perplexing, especially if you don’t know the person who gives them very well. Having a glance into someone’s personality is usually very helpful in determining the emotion responsible for a half-smile. But without knowing a person very closely, I can think of only a few reasons. A matter of courtesy, to acknowledge your presence, but in a manner that does not encourage further interaction. Perhaps a half-smile of sad remembrance, because your face reminds the smiler of someone gone and loved. I try to apply my reasons for half-smiles, and I find it hard to believe that such a smile would be shed upon me in longing, for I am no beautiful girl, and an average guy. Perhaps the smiler is going through tough times? I believe that happy moments remembered while a half-smile is given are seen in the eyes. There is a twinkle that can be seen while happy moments are being remembered by the smiler, and so I remain puzzled. I never thought about actually getting half-smiles, I usually just give them out.

Anyways. Crazy things to think about, and to let me know what you think.

Me and Wolverine

2006-08-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

If I dont shave for a little bit, I kinda look like Wolverine....

ya

2006-07-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

if i were you,
i wouldnt want to talk to me either

Imperfect

2006-06-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

We can’t take back the time we spend,
It’s gone forever now,
And we all mess up, we all fall down;
Not one of us is perfect.
So hit the ground and hit it hard,
Feel the pain and lose your breath
But when the numbness hits
And you fight to stand
Pray to God to make it right.
Dust yourself off, and let the bruises fill.
”Dear Father, I need you”
I’m such a helpless fool.

Aubade

2006-06-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

Greetings to you sunset,
And to the sun farewell,
I don’t suppose that you’d remember me.
But I remember rising,
And I remember when I fell,
‘Twas not long ago we sat near by the sea.

This morning I went walking;
I heard the scuffle of my feet,
And I walked the road with wind upon my face.
Strange smells filled my nostrils,
From the freshness of the street;
I found that nowhere is a mystifying place.

You might ask “What of this sunset,
And why all this silly talk,
About a time that so inclines you to recall?
What about these paces,
That you placed while on this walk?
Do you remember all the places that we’d fall?”

Oh, I do remember;
I know every blistering spot.
I know I’ve found some perils on this road.
I know I’ve tripped and fallen
As I dropped the things I brought,
But I got back up to bear another load.

There isn’t too much comfort
When you walk a path alone,
Unless you take the comfort from upstairs.
And falling feels like falling
And the path is still unknown,
But keep to walking and keep to saying prayers.

So good morning to the sunrise,
Good evening to sunset;
There’s so much I wish these eyes could see:
To grasp my hope and future,
That elusive silhouette,
But the sun, for now, is good enough for me.

My eyes are blue and grey now,
Just like they’ve always been,
And the sun, well, it’ll set again today
It’ll rise just shortly after
I don’t know exactly when
But I trust that everything will be okay.

.

2006-06-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

Lord,

She’ll be tall and blonde, although she doesn’t have to be blonde. And she really doesn’t have to be tall. I used to say that she’ll be brunette. She might be brunette, she might be blonde; she might not. But she’ll love You. She’ll be sweet, and kind; maybe even athletic. She might like videogames, but she might not. Hopefully she’ll put up with me playing them. She might love music, or perhaps she won’t. But she’ll love You, God. And so Lord, bless her and keep her, make your face shine upon her. Be gracious to her. And God, if it’s not too much trouble, give her peace.

--Me

P.S. Oh and by the way God, if uh, You want me to meet her anytime soon, that’d be great. I just wanted to let You know that I’m down for that. Thanks, take it easy Big Guy.

Aftershave

2006-06-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

I finally quit being lazy and shaved. I did a before shot with my camera, and about 20 minutes and two razor blades later (and a couple of days in between from being lazy), I took an after. The shaving gel that I used was hecka crazy...it had aloe in it, and sorta felt like vicks vapor rub. Anyone ever use that stuff? It felt crazy. My face felt like it was just absorbing air....anyway, ya, so I shaved. the end.

-Me

Chili, cornbread, and cheddar

2006-06-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

That's what I made for linner today. Linner is like brunch....except inbetween lunch and dinner instead of breakfast and lunch. Yes I made it up, and it probably isn't a word...or at least it wasn't until now. The cornbread was some Marie Callenders mix stuff that I added water to and put in the oven. The chili was the coolest of all because it was Stagg's chili, and it came in a box. Yep, thats right, a box. Chili in a box.

Ya, that's about it. So have a good day everyone.....
er...anyone who actually reads this...
actually, on that note...who actually does read this?
Like two people I think....
Well, you two should put a comment down or somethin..just to ease my curiosity.

-Me

Do it baby

2006-06-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

that is all.

words

2006-06-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

"Maybe some things are that simple"

something I read

2006-05-26T00:40:00.000-07:00

Ecclesiastes 3 1-8 (New King James Version)

Everything Has Its Time

1 To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:
2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

...

2006-05-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

what did one snowman say to the other?

At the helm

2006-05-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

Life is a series of choices. It's not the ones that you made yesterday that matter. And the ones you'll have to make tomorrow don't exist yet. All that you can ever do in your life, is make the decision you make now. Sometimes you feel deathly afraid that what you choose will be wrong. How will you ever find out? Is failure something to fear? I know failure, but I dont regret failing. Sure, failing sucks, but I dont regret the things Ive tried to achieve. I dont regret closing my eyes and walking ten steps.

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Whatever the choices we make in our lives may be..... they somehow work for the best.

One of my favorite sunset spots.....

2006-05-18T22:54:00.000-07:00

....is just down the road from my house. It's located at the top of an overpass, and I drive over there every now and then. When I'm lucky I get to witness a wonderful sunset. the canal below always gleams brilliantly because of the water flowing lazily through, and because of the countless shards of glass that line the dirt slopes of the canal. the land to the other side of the freeway is cleared so that it can be some sort of water overflow area. often times there will be a miniature lake waiting for the sun to set over it. The phone lines hang and compliment the sky. There is a sense of nostalgia in watching the sun set in this place. I took a few pictures while I drove past the other day. See?

if it happens that you fail, remember this....

2006-05-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

Love is a risk you make.
You give someone your heart to break,
Your eyes, your trust, your dreams to take.
Now you can run, but for your sake:

Don’t be afraid of all the pain.

Love is not the paths you’ve crossed.
Love is not the heart you’ve lost,
The time you’ve spent, or what it cost;
Love is not a bitter frost.

Love is not that you might fall,
But what you stand to gain.

LOST?

2006-05-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

so the newest developments in lost are pretty crazy. A commercial airing during the showing of Lost started last week, and also appeared this week. this weeks episode had lock and mr eko finding yet another hatch on the island, and unearthing another demonstration video for a surveilance station. this video was distributed by the hanso organization, apparently. during the commercial break following these discoveries, a curious commercial appeared. this commercial seemed just like any other commercial at first, and had a slight history channel feel to it. it lasted roughly 30 seconds, but its ending was quite interesting. the commercial sported a website, and was paid for by a familiar company (hanso) there was a website, and a number.

the website listed was
http://www.sublymonal.com
and the number was 1-8777-hansorg
i may have listed the number incorrectly however...

in our endeavors to find out what the heck this means, we went to the website first, and found a ring of monitor looking squares. this appeared after a convenient loading bar, and the site was run completely in flash. (this wards off the viewing of the source code by us clever computer dudes.....) the ring contained six monitor like squares, and were arranged around the word obey. they rotated, and a hyperlink finger appeared on one at a time. a puzzle it would appear. after clicking the first monitor 4 times, it turned green, and the ring spun again. the next monitor needed to be clicked 8 times, and as most lost fans will guess, the remaining monitors needed to be clicked 15, 16, 23, and 42 times respectively. after the clicking of the monitors, another flash scene came up.

the next screen was simply an answer that invoked more questions. a screen flickering with the words
"code:" and then
"heir apparent"
over and over and over again....

below this was the line "sublymonal message unlocked"
and barely visible below all of this was a link to another site.
http://www.thehansofoundation.org

before moving on, i would like to note that the top of the sublymonal page had a particular group of letters capitalized. "subLYMONal" obviously this spelling was intentional. also in the commercial that aired during the lost show, was a small print saying that the commercial was sponsored by sprite. the soda. the "lymon" remix of the spelling of subliminal is a convenient partnership between the soda company and the lost peoples...it is a cross between lemon and lime. i would suppose.....i would also note the sprite's advertising campaign is "obey your thirst", so...ya.

after clicking on the link to the hanso foundation website, i was greeted by a friendly lady directing me around the site. there are several restricted areas on the site, and i was eager to read all of the information provided, and to open all the secret places more importantly....
the place to start evidently is the newsletter signup area. when you click on this they ask for a user name....type whatever you want because it doesnt really matter...after you enter a name you will recieve a message (apparently from some hacker of the hanso foundations "website") from some lady named persephone. she will ask if you can read what she writes...type yes (after clicking on the bar) "y" also works... if you type something stupid...(for the fun of it) she will simply say bye bye and leave....anyways, after answering yes you will be prompted for a password. giving any wrong password results in her saying to call the number on the commercial. if you call the number at 42 minutes of the hour, you will get a message from persephone telling you the password. i have also heard that calling at 15 after works as well...there may be other times that this call will go through properly also (maybe 4,8,16, 23?) anyways, the password you are told to use is "breaking strain." if you use this password when she asks you to, you will be "logged in" to the site...this enables you to see other info....

at the end of the message you get about being logged in you will see a picture of a monkey...who is mad...now is a good time to go visit Joop's corner...where you can send a message to her(or him?) and get a little more info about some stuff. you will be taken to a flash "puzzle" where you have to click on both circles to connect them...just click all the circles and lines will shoot out from them and connect...eventually after the painfully slow thing, you will see some secret document and stuff revealing information....

after visiting joop, cruise over to the executive bios, and you can unlock more secret information by finally using the password obtained from the sublymonal site (heir apparent) in a field that appears above a portion of Mr. mittlewerk's bio. this will show you a picture and some other stuff....

also, at 15, and 42 after each hour, on the hanso site, the timer up top turns into an obey sign and is a link to the sublymonal site...incase you started at the hanso site and were confused as to where to find the next password or whatever...

all in all its some pretty crazy stuff, and its kinda cool too.
props to the lost folks.

The Greatest Story Never Told

2006-05-08T22:47:00.000-07:00

Another chapter, read and gone;
I guess it didn’t ring a belle.
Another story that can’t belong,
Another tale that I won’t tell.
You know it’s sadness when you just can’t cry,
Feel like a minnow in the sea;
You know it can’t work, but you don’t know why,
Just want the world to let you be.

I’m floating above the ground,
Trapped inside the deep blue folds.
The water’s falling, and it makes no sound;
I’m searching for the greatest story never told.

Nothing solid where you can stay,
No place to rest a weary head;
The earth beneath you just melts away,
Your empty stomach can’t be fed.
I’d trade this music for some happy words,
I’d take a smile for this frown.
I’m just floating on these empty words—
I’d give anything to come down.

I’m floating above the ground,
Trapped inside the deep blue folds.
The water’s falling, and it makes no sound;
I’m searching for the greatest story never told.

Just how it goes.

2006-05-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

"'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again"

Away from the sun
3 Doors Down.

something astonishing

2006-05-04T12:12:00.000-07:00

“An orange,” she said, “I’d really like an orange.” “A ride,” he said, “I could really use a ride.” And in my astonishment “wanna do that one again?” I said. She was walking across America, and he was walking across Pitman’s fields. I went walking around the chapel checking the doors. Her name was Judy, his was Matthew, and mine is plastered everywhere.

She was walking across America in order to minister to people who don’t go to church. She went through eleven pairs of shoes on the way, and while she was wearing through one of those pairs she was thirsty, and hungry, and she thought to herself….“an orange would be good.” And so she walked and said this thing to herself, and to God.

He was walking around aimlessly after school without a ride. He had no phone, and wanted to call home. “This sucks,” he thought, and said, “God I could really use a ride home.” And he continued to walk.

I was not walking at all. I was sitting just below our church’s sanctuary, in the chapel. I was playing the drums and jamming with some friends and family.

Then something astonishing happened. A man on a bike rode up to her, and she didn’t even hear him approaching. He talked to her and asked her about what she was doing walking. She said she was walking across America, and told him where she planned to go for the day. He bid her good luck, and started to ride away. “Oh ya,” he said, “almost forgot.” He tossed her an orange and rode away.

And then, something astonishing happened. There on the ground in front of him was a cell phone. He picked it up and opened it. “God loves you” said the background, and he called for a ride home. After he made the call home, he Looked through the list of people and found one labeled “mom,” and gave it a ring. The mother was across campus by the pool; her daughter must have dropped the phone.

And then, something astonishing happened. A man and his son walked into the chapel while we were playing. “Sounds good,” he said. None of us had ever seen them before. “You guys are gonna minister through this music.” He prayed with us, and mentioned that God was the reason he was able to walk down there and pray with us at that very time. Then he walked back around the corner and left. And I never saw him or his son again. Then I said to the guys, “wanna do that one again?” And we did. When our jam session was over, I walked around and checked all the doors. They were locked.

It’s amazing how God works through all these simple things. Everyday events turned into something astonishing. My little brother started a band with his friends, and they play good music. Matthew got his ride home. Judy went on to preach to countless churches, including my own. “I write clever words on paper” and slowly they turn into music, even if no one has heard their sound. A friend of mine from the band has an amazing voice and a wonderful gift of faith. Even though he may not know it, he ministers to people through these things.

I cant prove that Noah’s ark is up in some frozen mountain, or that the ark of the covenant is hidden in a secret location. I can’t show you David’s sling, and I can’t show you a ring engraved with the words “this too shall pass.” I can’t show you the orange or the cell phone, and I can’t show you the man and his son. I can’t show you God, but I sure can see him myself.

Quote from a friend

2006-05-02T00:37:00.000-07:00

"If we aren't given obstacles, how do we know we can overcome them?"

-Mark

Music says things better I you can, sometimes.

2006-05-01T02:25:00.000-07:00

"I throw up my hands,
Oh the impossibilities;
Frustrated and tired,
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for
The confidence I've lost so willingly;
Overcoming these obstacles,
Is overcoming my fears."

"Everyone knows I'm in over my head, over my head
With eight seconds left in over time, she's on your mind,
She's on your mind...."

Bastards!

2006-04-29T14:50:00.000-07:00

a couple days ago someone broke our window...they are cowards. They didnt even steal anything...what kind of an idiot does something like that? The station wagon that we got a couple years ago has not been damaged in any way by us. it has, however, been stolen three times, and now some dufus broke the window in the middle of the night. all told, the car is without radio, has a broken front bumper and headlight, a smashed panel above the driverside tail light, and a dent in the passenger's door. also, there are numerous scratches on the exterior from hooligans driving it through an almond orchand.

Add some flavor to your chips!

2006-04-23T14:05:00.000-07:00

Neil and I came up with this
Last summer while we were on a
Road trip.

These Pictures were taken
Across the goldengate
Bridge thingy.

...the idea is really simple,
Just get a chip (pringles work best
Probably)
Put it out the window,
Make sure you are going fast enough,
And try to navigate the wind.
Although it is possible to do while driving,
I dont recommend it...
Also, be considerate of people behind you;
Chips are breakable you know.

Im gonna try to take pictures
While on road trips and stuff,
And I encourage the whole world
To do the same.

So if you get the chance on a road trip..
Just buy a can
(the small ones shouldnt be more than a buck)
And try it out.

Chip Pushing:

This is a standard technique, simple and effective....
It's pretty much like surfing on the chip with your fingers...

Here we have a more creative one finger push;
A little more difficult. if you want to get more creative,
And have a sunroof, you can transfer hands, or even
bring the chip around the car through that...

and what would chip pushing be without any flavor?
of course every chip pusher should add their own
distinct style to their efforts.

Ausiostreet

2006-03-29T23:57:00.000-08:00

so my audiostreet is finally approved...
i have 2 "songs" up...
the house of cards one,
and an a capella version of tomorrow...

http://www.audiostreet.net/justinhartsfield

My first song....

2006-03-29T01:26:00.000-08:00

or at least the first one i recorded and got online...
heres the link to download....as of now you cannot stream it...
there might be an issue of only one person being able to download it at a time...
but im not too worried about a rush of people downloading all the time.
the link is huge...so i put it in convenient hyperlink form, so it'll fit on the page...im serious.

(link disabled)

dont be too critical tho, i recorded it with my digital camera....and it took two takes put together because my camera only goes for 3 minutes at a time...anyways...enjoy or not...
d:- D

On Relationships...

2006-03-27T18:10:00.000-08:00

so i really like this stream of thought thing...heres one more i did in the past half hour..
disclaimer: dont take any of this too seriously, but consider them nonetheless. enjoy.

So how does it work, this whole situation of relationships? Do you graduate through ranks and slowly gain the most important of relationships? And if so, what is the relationship most highly prized? In what form does it most healthily exist? Is this relationship a friend that one can count on? A spouse? A spouse that is a friend? What starts the process? Just one person reaching out? I daresay it would be a foolish thing to think the actions of only one could found a relationship. Yes, an initiative must be taken, but it also must be received. A hello—and its counterpart hello. Perhaps solely the meeting of eyes. But I don’t make lightly of this occasion. A meeting of eyes is more than superficial contact. It is a penetrating vision into another’s soul. It is reciprocated. This is more than looking into another’s eyes, it is seeing. And so in one way or another this first contact is made. An understanding is somehow hammered out as to what the relationship will be. Firstly acquaintances. Through the body language and the aura that surrounds them. Both have already made a preliminary supposition as to what the other is, and makes a choice. The first impression has already branded both. There might have been only one defining moment that summed up a whole person’s being. Sad to reflect upon really, that a person can be taken up in a glance, and “known” for what they are. And then the guessing game begins, where both use their finely tuned senses to understand the situation between them. Wondering how the other feels, and usually settling for friends. Perhaps one has already set their mind against even that. In which case the other, if they possess enough sense about them, will understand and remove his or her presence with as little commotion as possible, in order not to “hurt” anyone. Damage done here can be horrific. The rejected feel bitter, resentful, and often internalize their anger. It is a sad thing to see. But perhaps the two in question strike it off, and are friends they enjoy each others presence and converse on various levels of importance. One conversation may include the weather, ones work, or interests “small talk.” An important element will come into play in the relationship if it develops, called trust. An essential thing that is generally a founding part of a relationship. One may prove trustworthy, and in return the other also might be worth trusting. The richness of the conversation deepens, and confidence is gained. Both understand each other, and are relieved but strangely burdened at the same time. The guessing game continues. Here the defining moment is put into play. One may want more, both may want more, or neither. The first is an incompletion, a lacking thing. The last more simplistic, and the second something beautiful. But in the case of the first and second, something must be done nonetheless. One of the involved must relinquish the information. It is crucial in explaining the behavior exhibited. There are those who can hide these things well. But inside it is a pit, a blemish, a cyst. Gnawing slowly away. And once it is set out in the open a great gamble takes place. A coin toss set in motion. Lots cast, with the odds (as always) in favor of the house. The male is the one expected to make this motion. To put himself in the danger; in the place of vulnerability. Now, ladies, please don’t take this motion lightly, for it is one of the hardest things a man will do. Here I will explain a mindset that has come to my attention. There is a thing in a man’s mind that expects rejection. For the man knows of its possibility and is afraid of it. For, after all, it is a harmful thing to his feeling. So the man observes more than one possibility. This is not to mistake for disloyalty! There is an extent where this is a disgusting thing, but many only slightly near this line. For each man knows of his expectations to fail, and each hopes not to fail, but in case of failure here, the man creates a “backup.” Something that he can continue to hope for even if he is “shot down.” Now this will not continue after one succeeds, but until then it is only a form of hope, and a way to displace the devastating emotional hurt received during rejection. For women I can only imagine the difficulty faced in this particular area as well. From what I observe, women want to look nice for the perspective males, but are all too often mistakenly taken up as “backups.” The female then has to find a way to give hints to the male. Choosing words carefully as to offend as little as possible the feeling of the male. I do not envy this position either.This of course is not indicative of every female, but this entire train of thought is only in a general sense, for all males are not of this particular form as well. By telling the male that the female, herself, and he are only friends, they do not ward off all hope of the male. It is commonly known that in its initial stages, a “friend” is a testing ground in order to further understand the male. Or so it is perceived. Once the friend zone has been entered and maintained for an adequate amount of time, the state is considered to be semi-permanent. For I have heard the saying if you have not, that a friend is a boyfriend on ice. That it is a boyfriend behind glass. And the female only need to break the glass in case of emergency. I DO NOT pretend to offer this discourse of my mind as a definitive guide to relationships, and I do not recommend taking this as solid advice. For I only guess at what the thoughts are that drive the actions of a relationship. For once the gamble has been cast, and if a lucky seven appears, the real relationship has begun. Loyalty, trust, honor, care, faith, hope and love. Probably with so many essential things left out.

d:- D

Let me tell you......

2006-03-26T23:09:00.000-08:00

so i just cruised over to jake's myspace, and i read a post he made a month ago or so...i thought it was pretty cool so i made my own....its pretty much just an abstract stream of thought type of thing...i came up with a pretty good concept...just dont take anything too seriously...this is just how it came straight out of my mind..i have done a little bit of thinking about this earlier, but i guess i expanded on it a tad bit...kudos if you finish it.

One twitch—uncontrollable. Reaction in its purest form. There’s a whole other world out there. A best-selling book that no one reads, and everyone pays for. Tell me about my tells. She was gorgeous wasn’t she? My body told you all you need to know. An international sign language, in a stranger form. Read the signs of the body, its movement and what they say. These things so often go unnoticed. This otherworld is on a higher frequency. Catch a lie, insinuation, a glimmer in an eye you cant see. Instant message secrets in syntax. Tell them all to me. Write them down without words. And read mine. Drink them in. Gut feelings and the way you lean when you sit down. Which way do you face, and which face do you long to glimpse? Are we all so blind to these things!? Or do we just pretend to notice nothing? When do you crack your knuckles? Touch your lips, stroke your hair? Do you twiddle your thumbs in a different direction, look up to your right, or to your left? To what beat do you tap your feet? What song is on your mind, and who was the song for? Which smile do you use, and how often do you flash it? Are you holding your breath? Don’t bite your lip like that or the whole world will know what you are thinking. Twist your watch around your wrist, and pull your sleeves down over your hands. Spit to one side to look tough, to get rid of that nasty flavor, to expel those shells, or just because your mind moves your tongue and your lungs compress the air. Cross your arms. Hold your elbows, your shoulder, put one hand behind your neck. Pull your earlobe. Wink. Blink. Stare deep into their eyes. Look away quickly, before you’re caught. Give a quick smirk, or a glare and a look of disgust. Why do these things say so much about you and I? How closely may I rest my arm, my foot, my head? How many foolish things do we say without saying a word? How many times has this said all there is to know about me? Or how far away have I seemed when I meant to be closer? And how many times have I been misread? How many times do the unspoken words send you away?

Enchanted

2006-03-24T19:54:00.000-08:00

Little child, why do you chase the sun?
All you have to show is melted wings,
A broken heart among the cheaper things:
Your broken bones and shattered chest.
Your skin was scorched, contraption torched,
And what of all the rest?

It never mattered to you, did it?
It wasn’t that you wanted to catch the sun--
You knew you’d fail before you had begun.

You set your wings and tried to sail.
You were just enchanted;
Just wanted to know that you could fail.

Parking Permit?

2006-03-19T12:27:00.000-08:00

So, Matthew parked the car last night...and when I woke up this morning I had a good laugh. In the spirit of giving him a hard time, I post these pictures....as evidence:

According to the California Driver Handbook,
"When you park alongside a curb, the front and back wheels must be parallel and within 18 inches of the curb."

Now in case you couldnt tell from the picture, we decided to measure how far off he actually was.
The rear wheel, which is closest to the curb, measured in at 3'9" a whopping 45 inches.
The front wheels, unfortunately the further, came in at 4'1" which is an incredible 49 inches away from the curb.

Also observe the example of how to park correctly in the background.
Someone shouldnt have a parking permit.

Saturday Morning

2006-03-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

So today was a pretty sweet day of relaxation and just all around chilling at my casa.
I think I really needed something like it.

so, without further ado,
here is me in my PJ's this morning...

Sometimes....

2006-03-14T23:13:00.000-08:00

... it seems like I'll never find her.
It's so hard to wait and see if I will find out.

San Francisco

2006-03-12T15:16:00.000-08:00

yesterday i was over in san francisco...had a fun time walking on the Golden Gate,
and eating some clam chowder in a bread bowl...
good company too btw.

The above picture is one taken on the ride home...
we're in Marty's car...driving..
the below picture was taken as we were driving around san francisco,
the glint of light is from a window off in the distance...
but it looks pretty nice.

More pics are up on the flickr.
d:- D

Mirror, mirror

2006-03-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

Mirror, mirror, fruit of sleep;

Enchanted petals in the ocean deep.

What makes the memories we want to keep

And what sadness makes a princess weep?

Lightening scepter, a magic lamp;

One more treasure where two score camp.

Open sesame to release the clamp.

Gold resides in the cold and damp.

Shallow waters or deepest sea?

One last wish to set him free.

Fate made us a tapestry;

A whole new world revealed to me.

Rob from the rich; give to the poor.

Beware the clock ticking, off the shore.

At midnight’s tock sleep evermore.

A pumpkin coach and one last chore.

I pulled the sword out of the stone;

Topped the tower you were in alone.

I wish I somehow could have known,

I only wish I could have known.

Floater

2006-03-02T00:51:00.000-08:00

Behold the grey-bellied monsters of the sky.
The words they speak are thunder;
The rain the tears they cry.
Floating fiercely and at leisure
They are imbued in that great sky,
And for a cartoon canvas, drink.
What would you think to see it falling
Showing its composition ink?
And what if ink was raining
While the sun shown orange-pink?
If all the world was pigment,
What do you think that you might think?
And what if words were amplified
So that all might hear their sound?
What words we’ve never spoken
Do you think could then be found?
The silly things I’d say
When no one is around.
Do you think we might start over
And make our words anew?
Would this painting without colors
Help to get my painting through?
What if all were nothing
And it was only me and you?
Like those monsters in the sky
All we would do is float around
New sights to see, new places to be,
New smell, new feel, new sound.
It wouldn’t be so hard
If we gave this thing a try,
Words could be our thunder
And rain the things we cry.
Sunlight all our laughter,
The wind the times we sigh,
Living just like vapor
To particles when we die
We’re really not that different,
From those monsters in the sky.

Mcstudmuffin

2006-03-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

"You know it only breaks my heart,
To see you standin' in the dark
Alone
Waiting there for me
To come back"
-Stranded
by Plumb

Better way to go.

2006-02-27T16:43:00.000-08:00

So here are some pics
i uploaded manually
because its better....

onions have layers

2006-02-26T18:33:00.000-08:00

onions have layers
Originally uploaded by dobbersp.

so heres a picture...i put it straight from my flickr...enjoy. if you want more, go to my flickr.

Out There

2006-02-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

"If she's out there
somewhere, somewhere
i would give everything to know
just to hold and finally have her
take me to sunrise from indigo. "
-sister Hazel

Post

2006-02-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

just for postings sake....i made a spiffy pic and put it on my flickr.
the link is somewhere over there --->
if you actually read this then kudos for you.
d:- D

words

2006-02-09T23:41:00.000-08:00

are such feeble things....
you can never say just what you want to,
how you want to,
when you want to.

"You be around and I'll be...."

Game over?

2006-02-05T21:35:00.000-08:00

So what's wrong with me?
Why does it always end up like this?

Extra Innings

2006-01-26T11:36:00.000-08:00

yep...this is gonna be one of those.

Bean Ball.

2006-01-21T12:22:00.000-08:00

Yep, of course they sting....
I'm on first...my run doesn't count,
and the fate of the team....
lies in someone else's hands.

Balk!?

2006-01-19T01:23:00.000-08:00

the score is tied....

Full Count

2006-01-13T11:04:00.000-08:00

My batting average was never any good.
I dont look for the home runs....
Mr. clutch is what I want to be.
I never was in baseball.
Just a couple ribbees will get the job done.

Down by one

2006-01-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

So Im gonna finally go see Narnia tomorrow...
Ya and stuff.

d:- D

Bottom of The Ninth

2006-01-10T18:23:00.000-08:00

step into the box.

Two Outs

2006-01-09T17:01:00.000-08:00

new flickr pics, go check em out if you want.

have a nice day.

Bases Loaded

2006-01-08T14:12:00.000-08:00

I suppose I should get a blogger too, so I have all of the bases covered.
Although this site looks pretty sad, I actually maintain a different blog much better.
Theres a link to it somewhere here, Its my Xanga site,check it out some time.
Thanks for reading.
d:- D